Doubts…

So, what do you think?

The truth of all this is compromised by a very strong Confirmation Bias. I’m cherry-picking the best evidence to support Jamie’s theory that I might have mild ADHD. I guess I want to construct an image of myself as a poor afflicted soul who can’t be blamed for ruining everything or failing to achieve. I’m presenting this stuff to you so you’ll say, “Don’t worry Xan, you really are a gibbering fuckwit” and I’ll say, “oh thank God! For a moment, I thought you were going to tell me I was completely normal and perfectly capable of a happy and fulfilling existence!”[1]

In the process, I’m discarding great volumes of ordinary behaviour. But the difference between a normal, functioning person and a fuck-up is just the frequency with which they have the crazier experiences. Their lives aren’t qualitatively different – everyone has those moments.

Were I to describe the boring experiences that take up most of my time, I’d appear entirely stable and normal[2]. To edit my recollections so I appear to be constantly having hysterics is to create a false version of myself.

Even at your edgiest, it’s difficult to pinpoint when your behaviour, and intensity of experience, reaches an acceptable level of unacceptability, because the degree to which you have these feelings is influenced by all the other factors in your mind – how calm you were going into this situation, what problems and pressures you have in your life at that time; how much sleep you’ve had. And the same goes for the people you’re comparing yourself to. They also approach or retreat from this state of agitation, depending on the underlying pressures in their lives.

At what point can you say you have a diagnosable problem?

  • Footnotes:

[1] Because, of course, that would make everything ENTIRELY MY FAULT. I’d messed up my life out of pure, satanic perversity, because I was EVIL and wanted to hurt people.

[2] And you’d be disappointed. Admit it.

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